The Seven Horcruxes of Paynter
Those of you who are lucky enough to not know of these foul objects' existence, please turn back now. What are the 7 Horcruxes? A horcrux is an item in which a person, commonly evil, injects a part of their soul into in order to keep on living for as long as the item exits. Jake Paynter put his into 7 items, all of which shall be detailed below. Some information may be left blank due to lack of historical evidence. We have a library of books regarding the History of Jake, however, some information may not be documented. The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown. - H. P. Lovecraft # DV8 Card # Tech Project # Yu-Gi-Oh Tin # Electric Razor # Vibrating Bullet # Murderous Guitar # Empty Scotch Bottle The well-read in the History of Paynter of you may notice that each of the items have been out to get Jake at least once. DV8 Card Historians date this back to approximately 3 months prior to the 'Battle of the Course Work'. It is unknown how such a relic fell into the hands of Jake. Conspiracy Theorists claim that Jake's credentials were used unbeknownst to Jake. They suggest Extra Terrestrials have planted a chip in the card to monitor Jake's masturbation patterns as a basis of their Human Behavioural Projects '8 B-420'. Tech Project Historians have observed through ancient tombs that Jake's Tech Project - consisting of 5 components - can create a nausea unseen in any Medical Records. According to a WebMD forum user 'GrimseyBai' he has seen the horcrux first hand. Conspiracy theorists however, claim that 'GrimseyBai' was actually giving auxillary support in the construction of this Horcrux. Famous theorist, Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, suggests that 'GrimseyBai' may be a reptilian working for the Salarian Embassy on the planet Sur'Kesh. Yu-Gi-Oh Tin Have you ever heard of the Lost Ark? This is what gave the Book of Exodus the inspiration to create the Ark of the Covenant, which in turn influenced George Lucas and Phillip Kaufman's writing behind the 'Raiders of the lost Ark'. Historians claim that in Greek Mythology, the Yu-Gi-Oh Tin was forged from the inner depths of the Underworld by Hades' main servant - Callum Dalzell. Archaelologists have found evidence leading to this writing upon a tomb regarding the relic - "To those of whom who wish to sneak, nobody will ever think to peak". Electric Razor Jake shaved his own head after 2 coors lights. You heard that right, 2 Coors Lights. ''' Conspiracy Theorists say they are still pissing themselves thinking about how much of an idiot one would have to shave your own head after 2 beers. Vibrating Bullet The History books tail off at this point. Some conspiracy theorists suggest that, like the rapture, simply looking at any evidence can kill a man. The poor bastards. Murderous Guitar There is a haunted guitar hung approximately, according to engineers, 1 metre above Jake Paynter's bed. The guitar attempts to murder Jake any time it is disturbed from rest. It is quite common for Jake to invite friends over to his house and it is even more common for him to claim to have learnt a new song. Jake practices for weeks on end, but, once his friends are there it refuses to produce the correct sounds. Conspiracy Theorists suggest that his parents bought Jake a cheap guitar on Craigslist. This is due to the fact that they foresaw him being bad at it and giving up. The reason the guitar was cheap, according to AlienForums.net user 'FuckImStoned', is because it was used as a murder weapon by its past user. This then absorbed some of the victims soul creating a horcrux. When Jake tried to put his soul into it the two spirits conflicted and the Victim's soul got pissed off and basically wants to kill Jake at every corner. Empty Scotch Bottle On occasions, Jake and his friends get outdoors and camp in the countryside. Jake and his friend (scored out of the book, if anyone can decipher this code -> JACK please contact authorities) were sporting Onesies. Jake has had a gorilla one that was covered in '''SPOILER ALERT: flammable fur. Jake fell into the campfire whilst attempting to obtain an empty bottle of scotch, just after drinking it all. He was engulfed in flames and some witnesses of the event claim his cock was on fire. Conspiracy Theorists suggest that the bottle spoke to Jake in morse code through the creeks and cracks of the bottle breaking. The bottle coaxed Jake in with the following code. Translate it on google if you dare. .-- . / .... .- ...- . / .-- . . -..